The Time I Stalked Don DeLillo
OK, so maybe stalking isn’t the best word. It’s not like I ever followed him for more than a few blocks or lingered for more than, say, five minutes outside his house feigning interest in the trees....
View ArticleAn Open Letter To Skyler White
Dear Skyler, As both a lukewarm fan of Breaking Bad and a law-abiding, tax-paying citizen of the United States, I’m writing to address what I feel are serious flaws in your character—flaws which, if...
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This Is, Uh, Syria’s Situation
There is no question that America is the greatest country on the planet—and, given that the existence of other inhabited planets has yet to be proven (to say nothing of the likelihood such planets are...
View ArticlePeople Don’t Kill People: A Reasonable Response To Gun Control
As the events of this week continue to unfold and the nation descends further into its chaotic, nazi-socialist spiral of tyranny, it is important we not lose sight of what is truly important, what has...
View ArticleAn Open Letter To The Celebrities, CEOs, And Wealthy Public Figures Yet To...
To those of you with a current net worth exceeding 50 million dollars: Recently I received a very amusing letter from the Department of Education that informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I am...
View ArticleHow To Gain Friends & Influence People: A Guide To Twitter Success
1. Be Ironic This is, perhaps, the most important tool to twitter success. Be ironic about anything and everything because nothing matters, especially not twitter, which is exactly why you’re spending...
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